Findings found by a crasi

I feel so alone. Kristie and Nathan, two of the greatest friends I've ever had, both left today. Kris is amazing. I can't imagine four months without her across the room from me, counseling and consoling me when times are a little tough, and giggling and goofing off like crasi-s when life is too serious to take seriously. I don't know if I'll ever see Nathan again, and even if I do, it won't be the same. I know I'll never enjoy the view from my room like I have this year. And while I was packing a few minutes ago, I stumbled across some notes I made to myself on random bits of paper, and it hit me how much I've learned this year. And then I began comparing last semester with this semester. The conclusion I came to is that though attitude isn't everything, it's pretty derned close. A good attitude invites so much more room for knowledge to expand and growth to occur. I feel very dislocated right now. I don't want to go home for a whole four months--120 days! But I am going crazy being here and feeling alone. So while I was cleaning, blasting Dashboard and wishing for a shoulder to lean my sleepy head on, I found these amazing papers. And as I mused over the findings I found, I made a resolution to be happy and focus on the good stuff coming at me, rather than dwelling on the sad stuff. As Kris/Ella would say: GRIN and bear it!

Happy Easter!

I love Easter Sunday! I love chocolate! I love Spring! I love sunshine-filled, windy, perdeeful days like today. I love the nice person who left an Easter treat on my door secretly. I love my fam. I love life!

I've been leafing through my "BYU Journal" today. It's so interesting! I've changed so much just in my journaling-style this year. People don't notice when they themselves change until they reflect. I didn't realize it until today. By golly I'm different. For example: I now say stupid things like "by golly," "oh my heck" and "it is true." I am no longer OCD about my closet and the way I hang up clothes. I have come to see people in a totally different way.

Have a grown up? I don't think so, but hey, maybe I have. I dunno. I feel almost less independent and responsible these days. And yet this is because I see how small I really am lately. But I feel so unable to take care of myself. Maybe that is what "growing up" really means--realizing that you can't do it all on your own. Or maybe I should stop wondering if I'm grown up, as I am still just 18 years old, with pretty much no experience in any fields of interest to anyone other than babysitting and procrastinating.

Looking back on my time here at BYU thus far, I think I've learned a lot, but I don't know if it has really changed who I am. I am still, to my daddy, "Liberal Lanette--the family democrat." (I am NOT a Democrat, just FYI.) And to my mom, I'm still "the outspoken, crazy kid who makes life much harder but much more fun." To David I'm still his overbearing twin sister who is way too touchy-feely and asks too many questions. To the people I've known and loved longest I'm still me, but different. Mom says I've grown up. David says I need to grow up. Dad says I need to do my homework. I don't know. It probably doesn't matter that much. Maybe I should take Dad's advice. My daddy is one of the smartest people I know. I suppose I shall.

Drowning in the depths of...depth

Can I please jump off a cliff now? Or just go home. Thank you.

Sprite and Saltines

It's getting to be crunch-time school-wise. I'll be honest--I am terrified about my grades. Really, freakishly terrified. So tonight let's discuss something non-scholastic, please. Hmmm...

Last night I made fudge with my friend Eric, and it is SO good. Apparently we didn't put enough sugar in, but I like it a lot. It's creamy and chocolatey and soft...mmm! I also made these things called "Altdeutsch Brotchen" last night. Old German Rolls is what the name translates to. They were for German class, of course. Anyhow, they turned out kinda weird. They were orange-y, cinnamon-y, almond-y, with chocolate covered raisins (come on, they were cheaper than normal raisins, and it's CHOCOLATE! I thought it would be good...it wasn't). So the class devoured them. I had just enough. When I offered the last one to the teacher, she looked at it closely and pulled a long stand of blonde hair from the frosting. I about died. Obviously it wasn't me, nor was it any of the Young Hall boys, but still...so embarrassing! She ate it anyhow. People are so nice!

So I said I'm quitting Dashboard Confessional, right? Welp, that was a lie. My favorite song of the month seems to be "Vindicated." Or maybe "The Brilliant Dance." Oh well, maybe next month. Old habits die hard. And being emo and relationship-hungry comes easily when the campus you live on is infected with spring fever. Ick. It doesn't help that I have a presentation in English 251 about gender roles in dating. Yes, I chose the topic. I'm an idiot. Speaking of dating, I am a little worried about going home, to be honest. Back home there are very few single guys whom I share a mutual respect for. And people don't really date like Utah-ans in Oregon. We more hang-out, I guess. But I'm already missing dates with fun boys, and I'm not even there yet!

My mom had me make a film for the young women back home in our stake. Thus tonight Glo and Paul and I meandered around Young Hall, S Hall and R Hall, interviewing people (mostly guys) about modesty in dress. It got me thinking about a lot of stuff. For starters, I am so incredibly lucky to be here at BYU. The guys here are so great; it's overwhelming really. Back home I probably could have gotten two or three interviews from guys within a 50-mile radius about modestly that positively enforce church standards. I got so many here it was incredible. There is a plethora of righteous, good-hearted, handsome men here. It is really neat, but also really revealing--I realize that I have so much room for improvement when I'm around them. I don't think I saw that back home. Maybe that's one of the reasons I wound up here--the point of mortality is to progress and perfect. And being surrounded by so many awesome people is really getting to me. In a good way. I have a lot of work to do.